Smackdown: You Can Change the Voices in Your Head

Recently I had a breakthrough – a real breakthrough where I singlehandedly broke a board with the palm of my hand (see photo).  I had no idea I could do this and it totally blew my mind when I followed my teacher’s instructions, and easily broke this board with a single stroke.  I don’t recommend you try this on your own without careful instruction and safety equipment. Even so, what was the point of breaking a board? The point of this breakthrough was, for me, highly symbolic – a new metaphor for change in my life.  I broke through from an old constant question I used to ask myself a lot to a new question that is supporting me far more effectively than before.  You can break through to a new way of thinking, too, and you don’t even have to break a board to do it. 

Let’s start with the whole notion of a constant question.  What is a constant question and what effect does it have?  It tends to be a repetitive question you ask yourself over and over again that typically does not have a positive or affirming answer.  Here are some examples

• Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again?
• Why don’t I have any will power?
• When will I ever learn?
• Why didn’t I think about this before I said yes?
• Why do I make things hard?

It can also take the form of a question that sounds benign or even positive, but is typically thought of in a sarcastic voice.  For example, “what am I going to do now?” or “am I having fun yet?”  Take a look at some of the example questions above and think for a moment about your own constant question. Write it down.  Then, ask yourself, what are some of the answers that come to mind when you think of your constant question? 

My old constant question used to be, why do I make things hard?  The likely answers that came to mind for me were: because I deserve to suffer, I am not as good as the others so I have to try harder; if I am not working hard I must be lazy.  I think you get the idea that my old question and answers, weren’t really helping.  In fact, questions like these can keep us feeling stuck in negative patterns of self-doubt.  They can create vicious cycles of beating ourselves up and generally speaking, they don’t serve us well.  
So, what’s the alternative?  The alternative is creating a new constant question that is affirmative and supporting and then trying it out against a variety of phrases that come up in everyday life.  After all, that’s where the old constant question was used, wasn’t it?  My new constant question is:  how can I feel even more playful and open-hearted right now?  This new question is quite a departure from the old one: why do I make things hard?  If you want to create a new constant question for yourself, here are some tips for developing a powerful, supporting question:

• Make it present tense
• Make it positive, affirmative, and active
• Assume you already embody at least some of this characteristic and make your question take it further (in my example, how can I be even more playful and open-hearted assumes that I already am.

Once you have a new constant question, you need a list of typical situations that you can apply it against.  For example, here are some typical situations (both good and not so good) that I used to help me practice instilling my new question:

• Your car has a flat and you are already running late for work
• It’s raining outside
• Your dog licks your face
• Your husband smiles at you across the room
• Your cat pukes on the white rug (again)
• Your boss gives you your review
• You see a rainbow
• Your Mom doesn’t return your call for days
• You ask someone out on a date and they say yes
• You are stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic
• You win a prize
• Your lunch food is not ready yet and you have to be at a meeting in 10 minutes

Take the list above and edit it to make your own list of typical scenarios.  Try to come up with at least 20.  Then, if you can, find a friend and ask her to read each statement to you.  After she reads each statement, state your new constant question affirmatively, out loud.  This will help you break the hold of your old question and instill the new one.  After you finish this, notice how you feel.  When I did this the first time, and whenever I use my new question (mostly in my head) now, I feel more buoyed and positive. 

Practice your new constant question in all types of situations over the coming weeks to make it stick.  Maybe you can post it near your PC or bathroom mirror, even in your car, to remind you. Notice what happens over the next few weeks as both positive and difficult situations arise.  I used my new constant question a lot recently when I was visiting my mother who is beginning to struggle more and more as she ages. As a result of this question, I noticed a really big shift in my overall patience and ability to just be present and not try and control things for her during my visit.  In essence, just as in the photo above, I broke through from life is hard, it’s a struggle – to I am playful, curious, and loving.

See what happens if you try this for 10 days.  Here are some questions to think about as you prepare to take on a new constant question for your life.

What are some constant questions you have asked yourself over the years?