If I had one word to describe what I want for myself in 2011, it would be: authenticity. That may be shocking to some who may think, wow, aren’t you always authentic or at least, aren’t you supposed to be? Intuitively I know the answer is yes but what I’ve realized is that over the course of many years, some of that edge has slipped away. For a long time I'd been busy being somebody’s sister, daughter, friend, employer, employee, and wife. All of these roles can be great and I am proud of the way I have showed up in most of them, at least some of the time. I also know I often "checked out" from what was really going on for me just to keep things smoother and simpler. It felt easier that way. In doing so, I lost touch with what was true for me, what I really wanted and focused a lot of attention on what they wanted or what would cause less need for confrontation. I viewed “confrontation” as a bad thing that always ends in tears even if the tears are hidden away after the fact. I spent a lot of time worrying about what others thought of me and trying to fill a need before it was even recognized. It is a tough job reading everyone’s mind, making assumptions, and jumping in to try and deliver before they even know they want it.
So what does this have to do with authentic leadership? A lot. I have been practicing getting clear on what I want in relationship to myself and others. When I realize what I want, how I feel, what is important to me, I state my case or take action. This is confrontation is a sense, but it comes from a place of deep respect for myself and others and thus wanting to be clear, direct, and concise; it isn’t about aggression. If you remember my blog from a few months ago, I wrote about a technique that any of us can use called the awarensss wheel. In using it, I note what I have noticed or observed, what I think about that (what judgment I have), how I feel about it, and what I want as a result. From there, I have a choice to take action or ask for something based on what I want. It allows me to be a lot more authentic with others because instead of always trying to meet their wants, I am clearer in my goals and desires and expressing them.
For example, I recently told another leader, “I have some fear about taking on this assignment. I want to grow, I am willing to try and I want you to know that I may need some further knowledge or help to be successful.” In the past, I would have either pretended I could do it anyway (and would not have exposed my concerns) or would have tried to find a way to avoid the assignment only to feel later on like I was missing out. As a leader, it is okay for me to not be superwoman all the time, or pretend like I always have the answer whenever there is a question. It is not easy to say I don’t know, or I am afraid. What I have found is that people are very open to my transparency and I end up feeling a lot less stress than when I worked so hard to please and convince others. I wasn’t being real with me or them. Now, as I pratice this more, it is a relief.
In addition to being more authentic I am staying cleaner in my relationships, too. What I mean by cleaner is that if something happens and I don’t like it, or don’t want that, I tell the other person on the spot. If I don’t realize in the moment that I had a clear point of view or idea , I go to the person right away and follow up on it (within 5 minutes of realizing if possible). I find that I brood less and don’t end up replaying in my head what I wish I had actually said. I have less negative energy when I get clear with myself and others, and also that I am growing my ability to speak my truth. It’s taken time, guts, and some discomfort to leap in anyway, but I am still standing, I haven’t died, no one has left me, and I feel more authentic in so many of my relationships.
What are some areas in your life where you find it hard to be authentic and say what you really want?
How would things be different for you if you did so?
What success have you had speaking your truth to others? What hasn’t gone so well when you tried it?
