Got 30 Days? - Make Magic Happen!

As I approached this post, I was finding it hard to settle down on one topic. Normally, once I decide on a topic, the blog kind of writes itself.  This month was harder for some reason; I had a lot of topics rattling around in my head but nothing firmly decided.  Then, I was telling my husband about a whole series of events I experienced last week that were very exciting and somehow seemed unrelated.  He suggested I write about synchronicity because that’s what’s happening in my life right now. Still not convinced, I told him I’d mull it over for the night.  My uncertainty was quickly resolved when I woke up the next day.  I drink this tea that has little quotes on the tab.  I tend to think of them as daily fortunes, like the ones you get in fortune cookies and just like those cookies, if I don’t like what is says in the morning I ignore it and if I do, I assume it’s true!  So on to synchronicity – this morning’s tea bag said: “Our thoughts are forming the world.”  And with that I knew he was right - let’s talk about synchronicity.

So, as we approach the winter solstice, the year will end, and we begin a cycle of renewal, I am offering you and invitation to take 30 days and to witness some magic in your life.  Let’s start with the magic of synchronicity.  What is synchronicity?  Dictionary.com defines it as a noun and states: “an apparently meaningful coincidence in time of two or more similar or identical events that are causally unrelated.”  I like to think of it as the result of setting search image in for my mind, convincing evidence that whatever I place my attention on goes stronger.

I’ll share a brief example.  This fall, I created a small pilot group who worked through “The Dream Manager” by Matthew Kelly.  Working with this group has been truly inspiring and in the process I defined a lot of my own dreams and began advancing them.  One of my dreams includes assisting others with realizing their dreams by advancing personal growth and development. Recently, I joined a business coaching group and I had the opportunity to meet one the team members who runs a small business.  I thought I might like to do some business with his company in the future and I wanted to understand their service offering better.  During our meeting I made a reference to the Dream Manager concept which led to him telling me his entire company had been based that premise and even has a Dream Optimizer on staff.  That is what I mean by synchronicity: seemingly unrelated events or coincidence or are they?  There are lots of words you can use for it:  synchronicity, kismet, coincidence, and maybe even, magic

So, what magic can you create in the next 30 days?  I invite you to experiment with synchronicity and experience it in action to see what happens.  As we approach the year-end with a new one about to begin, I suggest we each take 30 days and focus on 3 things:

1.       Choose 3 Things You are Most Thankful for This Year (for bonus points choose 5-10)

2.       Choose 3 Inspiring Wishes You Have for Others

3.       Choose 3 Dreams You Want to Manifest for Yourself

For each area, write them down, and if you are willing to be a little bold, I suggest you share them with others.  Maybe read them to your family or friends one night over a nice meal.  Place them somewhere you will see them often.  If you can, read them once or more a day or at least once a week.  Then, notice what happens and maybe even keep a little notebook to write down your observations.  I am convinced that you will see more of your thanks, wishes and dreams manifesting in your life in the next 30 days. It may be that you notice people talking about things on your list; you may see you see articles in the news, or maybe you begin to notice that your teenage daughter really does listen to you.  I am not sure what your magic will be.  What I know for sure is that you will experience something powerful and amazing and if that experience involves thanks, wishes, and dreams, then to me that is MAGIC!

It would be great to hear check-ins from people after the New Year, when 30 days has passed.  What have you noticed?  What magic or dreams came your way?

The Dream Manager Pilot – A Follow up and Ways to Apply it Yourself

No kittens this month, but as promised, here is a follow-up to the Dream Manager pilot.  A few months back I shared my interest in working with a small group on a Dream Manager pilot. In the end I had 5 people join the pilot and we have been meeting every 2-3 weeks to work on creating or expanding our dreams for our lives!  We started by providing each team member a copy of the Dream Manager book and in our meetings we are:

·         Building a list of 100 dreams (each of us) for our lives – dreaming big, no holds barred!

·         Sharing with the group what we dream of, what we want, what we may fear, what can be hard, gaining and giving support

·         Working on our Pick 5 (the top 5 dreams we wanted to get started first) list to build “creative tension” that allows us to envision and create steps for bringing those dreams into reality

·          Laughing, we are moved to tears, we are inspired.

·         Gaining new friends or deepening connections on this journey, both a joy and  an honor

·         Seeing some dreams realized and we’ve only had 2 meetings so far!

·         Turning into Dream Managers since we all know people who could benefit from one,  and we now have a process we can share with others

If you want to give it a try, I suggest you read the book, The Dream Manager by Matthew Kelly or drop me an email for some of the process info I have put together.  If you already have some dreams on your list and want to learn about setting creative tension towards achieving a dream, read on.

Setting Creative Tension

Start by having one of your dreams clearly in mind.  Then, ask yourself (and write this down), what is your true vision for this dream (forget about time, money, etc.)?  Dream big and be as detailed and graphic as you can be!.  Don’t hold back, just bask in it.  What does it feel like, look like, smell like, whatever? Imagine yourself being this, doing this thing, whatever it is. Once you have this fully detailed, read it over once or many times until you feel fully immersed in this vision.

Example: I want to go on my first cruise on a beautiful ship, with my love.  I want to visit amazing islands full of white sand beaches, and beautiful clear, blue water. We will snorkel, eat good food, dance, laugh a lot, and get into the island mojo of slowing down and just having a blast. We will create amazing memories of this time together, take photos, and just bask in the joy of the sun and sea.

Now, identify what is the current reality and write it down. Current reality: I have never been on a cruise, I have not booked any time off, I feel busy, I don’t know what it costs, I am not sure if he wants to go on a cruise, the cats have to go to camp, etc.

What would have to occur or be in place to realize the dream? In doing this, simply list the obvious actions and steps. Then, start brainstorming a list of things that would need to occur to realize this dream.  For example, I will ask if he is interested in going on a cruise.  If no, I will ask myself, do I want to realize this dream on my own?  I will research cruises and costs, book PTO, etc.

Next, place the steps to be taken in logical order.  What is the first most obvious step?

For me it was:  find out if he is interested in a cruise.  When should that step be taken by? I set the target for 1 week because I could see no reason to wait in finding out.

Repeat this process of identifying the next most obvious step and the expected completion date for as many of the steps as possible.  You may not have them all right away but begin working through them anyway.  Identify additional steps and as many target dates for them as you can.

I did this for my cruise dream and so far this is what I have:  he is interested in a cruise, I did some research, I scheduled PTO, I booked a 7-day cruise to the eastern Caribbean, we leave on January 14^th, the cats go to their usual camp, I am sure there is more to be done but those are the highlights.  We are thrilled and excited to be going on this trip and in many ways, just working through the planning has been a blast.  If the cruise is even close to that, it will be the realization of a great dream!

I would love to hear about some of your dreams and your experiences with realizing them.  Write a comment, or share a story below.

Through the Ears of a Big Dog –Lessons in Life, Love, and Fabulousness as Told Through the Eyes of a 10-pound Cat

Next month I will give you an update on the Dream Manager pilot we launched with last month's article.  This month’s feature is written by Gribbles, our cat, who by all accounts doesn’t know he is a cat and may just think he is a BIG DOG!  On a lot of levels, he is my hero.  This story is one of the occasional Life Lessons he has shared.  I think we all could learn from him.

Lesson  #8 Sunbeams, a Puffy, and a Blower – Succumb to Their Charms

There are times in life when “resistance” as they say, is futile.  Or, to put it in Big Ears terms, succumb to the charms of that which makes one feel good all over.

Let’s start with Paralyzing Sunbeams.  When the sun beats down from the PDX sky and finds its way into my window, the results can be both disastrous and fabulous.  Disastrous because a sunbeam can keep me from my ever-so-important daily agenda of eating, bugging my people, napping on the bed, jumping on the other cat, and making myself more handsome.   And fabulous because time stands still and seems to be sprawling and calm when trapped in its gaze. I could go on for days and days about the luxurious healing qualities of a sunbeam but unfortunately for you there is one outside the window right now and I hear its siren song calling me.

Puffy.  What, you may ask, is a puffy?  A puffy is one of the greatest articles of clothing my people ever put on (well, okay, mostly my chick).  You see, she didn’t get blessed with an amazing fur coat like mine so let’s face it, she needs help to be warm and fabulous.  A puffy is long, almost down to the floor (well, she's not that tall), and made from a fleecy material that is great to snuggle up in.  When I see her in it, I can’t keep myself from leaping into her arms and curling up like the baby I long to be.  You may laugh but it’s true!  You should see me in full-on baby mode – it’s something special.  On a chilly day, you should try a puffy and even if you won’t get rocked like a baby, you’ll feel pretty darn good. 

A blower.  When it’s chilly out and in, we have a blower in the wall that makes summertime blow all over my body.  I like to sit in front of it and get seriously blown all over.  Sometimes it’s so good I’ll just fall over and bask in its warm breeze.  Like a sunbeam and a puffy, it makes me feel comfortable and relaxed, unable to move on to other things like helping my peeps with cooking or reading the newspaper (I am a good helper after all).  But, it doesn’t t take long.  All you need is 5 minutes in front of a warm blower, with a puffy or a sunbeam and you, too, can experience a state of bliss.  Not sure?  Try it, you’ll see.

I see “my people”and other people rushing to and fro, checking their iPhones, email and twittering (whatever that is).  They all say they have to “do” things but I would argue that the world will be a better place when more people spend just a little more time like me.  I dare you to try even 5 minutes one day of a Sunbeam, a Puffy, or a Blower.  See if you aren't just fabulous as a result!

Living the Life of Your Dreams

What are you dreaming of?  Or, are you even dreaming?   It’s not a question of sleep and are you getting enough of it.  It is about living the life of your dreams, something we have all heard but may not feel we are doing much of every day. I see a lot of people working on intense projects at Nike, with go-lives looming and big accountabilities to be met.  Some have been working long hours under stressful deadlines for weeks, months, or even longer.  So, how do we maintain momentum and perspective during times of significant work and stress?  Try spending a few minutes with your dreams.

Over the summer a friend came to me and recommended that I become a Dream Manager and I thought she meant, just be a better manager.  But instead, she recommended a book called “The Dream Manager” by Matthew Kelly because she thought I would make a good one. The premise is quite simple.  What if a company, a small group of colleagues, or family members worked together to facilitate achieving some or all of our dreams?  One person would facilitate and help each person identify and build action plans for their dreams.  They would continue to meet periodically to assist with roadblocks and accountability.   What an amazing world we could live in if everyone knew their dreams, and were actually attaining some or all of them!

You can start right now in a simple way.  Take a short break and write down 100 dreams for your life.  It may help to think of them in terms of categories such as Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, Spiritual, Psychological, Material, Professional, Financial, Creative, Adventure, Legacy, and Character. 

Here are some of my examples from my dreams list to give you an idea of how simple or complex they can be:

Physical:  I’d like to ride a 100-mile bike ride, go on a 2-week walking trek vacation, run Hood-to-Coast with a 10-minute average pace, etc.

Adventure:  learn to fly a plane, go surfing in Costa Rica, attend a high-performance driving school workshop, etc.

Creative:  Learn to play boogie-woogie blues on the piano, take a basic Mandarin class, learn how to knit (again), etc.

Legacy (or in-service): Develop a workshop and coaching series that assists others to realize their dreams, volunteer 10 hours a month to local community groups and/or charities.

Once you write down your dreams, take some time daily for a couple of weeks and read them over.  Maybe share with a partner or family member.  Start to identify time horizons for them and action plans of what it would take to actually LIVE them.  Some may be very attainable in the short-term (my knitting goal as an example) and others may take time and planning (my Hood-to-Coast dream given that I am just starting back to running after knew surgery a few months ago).  Work with a buddy or someone who you can rely on to help hold you accountable to achieving the ones you want most.  Visualize yourself doing them. As you work with these dreams over time and achieve some of them, you’ll gain momentum for some of the bigger ones.  You’ll also see how some of them change over time; you may realize you can dream BIGGER than maybe you do today.  Visit your dreams list often. 

As you start to achieve more of your dreams, you might just notice a shift in your thinking, too.  I noticed a shift in my thinking just from writing them down. Some of my dreams are so very attainable and the only thing getting in the way of them is ME!  It’s the choices I am making, how I am prioritizing some things in my life, how I may be letting fear hold me back.  Others, I may require help to achieve and that is okay, too. I also noticed a sense of gratitude started to arise for the many opportunities and dreams I have lived or am living and motivation to go after more of them!

I’d like to start a Dream Manager pilot with a small group of people willing to meet at or near Nike.  If you are interested, I will consider the first 6 volunteers who email me by September 21^st.  The commitment you will be asked to make is this:

·         Commit to identifying 100 or more of your dreams

·         Meet with the group every 2-3 weeks for about 90-minutes over 3-4 months

·         Be willing to create and work an action plan for at least 3-5 of your dreams during the pilot period

·          Show up to at least 60% of the meetings and actively participate in them

·         Be accountable, share your experience, provide support, encourage others

What you will get in return?  Here are a few things that I would hope to offer:

·         The ability to be a Dream Manager for others (a way to be in-service to others)

·         You will laugh, you may cry, you may be inspired

·         Build relationships with others doing this work

·         You will have a list of your current dreams

·         You may realize some of your dreams!

If you want to give it a try, send me an email at kim.lafever@nike.com.  I am open to including people outside of Nike, too.  We will figure out the meeting schedule once we have a group of participants.  The most likely meeting schedule will be an 8:30-10 or 11:30-1 on a weekday as I frequently have evening meetings already scheduled. 

I would love to hear about some of your dreams.  Write a comment, or share a story below.

Making Meaning in Your (Everyday) Life

Recently I found myself asking, what is the meaning of my life?  What is my purpose?  Oh, if only it would hit me like a lightning bolt, all would be clear.  I recently lost of loved one and while I never thought this would lead me to questioning my own life as a result, it has come up for me. 

I used to think meaning was something you find, not something you create.  One day just the right set of circumstances would come along, or perhaps through volunteer efforts or giving of myself in some monumental and impactful way (can you say Mother Teresa or Forrest Gump?), that I would know my life had meaning.  What I realize though now is that meaning isn’t something you find, it’s something you make.  Something I can make each and every moment and I have a choice.

For example, I have had opportunities in recent years to get pretty clear about my vision for my life and my values.  My vision is to "live a creative and inspired life, sharing my gifts and talents with others."  My top 3 values are authenticity, well-being, and meaningful work.  (By the way, this type of work on vision and values is something I would love to facilitate further with blog readers – so let me know if you are interested).

What I know now about meaning in my life, is that it’s there in a lot of little ways but it’s up to me to be present enough in each moment to feel it.  It’s up to me to trust myself enough to see things for what they are, and not be swayed by what everyone else may be saying around me. For example, if I am in a meeting at work and I am stating my opinion, idea, or what is really true for me, this is living my value of authenticity.  In my work as a leader, I have the opportunity to share some of my gifts every day such as leadership, a talent for creating order out of chaos, the ability to deliver results – this is also meaningful work or can be.  For a long time, I didn’t think about the little aspects of my everyday life as being part of the big “meaning” in my life -  but they are.  They don’t have to be if I choose to interpret them in other ways, and for a long time I didn’t.  Now, I find it helps center me or brings a smile to my face when I do. Another example, I have been a habitual exerciser for many years but it wasn’t until about 2-3 years ago that I really came to realize that I like working out, I really enjoy it!  It’s another example of meaning – one of my top values is well-being so now when I go to the gym, I often think “not only do I like this, but it supports one of my top values.  How cool is that?”

I don’t want to give anyone that idea that using these little moments to create meaning for myself is like saying something that is not that enjoyable or enriching is good.  It is actually becoming more to clear for me to not only notice what supports me, but also what doesn’t.  Noticing the small things gives me an opportunity to course-correct in real time.  It creates a window to take an action that is even more in alignment with my authenticity, vision, values, or what have you.

·         In what ways do you see opportunities to find meaning in your every day life?

·         What are some of the challenges you see in this?

·         If you are a parent, what opportunities do you see for role-modeling “meaning” for your family?

Over the Rainbow – A Family Offsite

Many of us in the corporate world experience the occasional “offsite.”  At work, our teams may take timeouts a few times a year and spend 1-3 days focusing on strategy and goals, relatedness, team dynamics, problem or opportunity solving, and usually some fun as well.  Offsites may be held in exotic locales or even onsite or near to the workplace but the one thing they have in common is this: they take the team out of their normal day-to-day activities to focus as individuals as well as a group around common purposes and goals.

While corporate teams are well-versed in the art of the offsite, it wasn’t until this past year that my husband suggested we start taking family offsites.  When he first said it, I said, “You are a genius, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.”  Thus began our commitment to family offsites.  We’ve committed to family offsites at least twice year where we block out the usual activities of making dinner, doing laundry, pet care, and responding to over a 100 emails a day to focus on us,  our family, what we want to create together, what our opportunities are, and the like.  Oh yeah, and we throw in some teambuilding fun for good measure!  Our first offsite was at the Oregon coast last summer over a weekend and our most recent is taking place while we are vacationing on the Big Island in Hawaii but really, they could have been held anywhere. 

Why do a family offsite?  To get clearer on what your family goals are, to improve communication and talk about things that maybe aren’t being talked about but should be, to clarify assumptions, and most importantly make plans for how to achieve more of what you want from your life together as a family.  You can do this over the course of a few hours in a day or break it up over several days.  If you have a larger family or need for more dialogue, don’t rush it and take more time.  Sometimes, it takes more talking to get down to the nuggets of what really matters to an individual or to the group. Consider hiring a facilitator who is a neutral third party if you want to make it even more productive.

What type of agenda should you have?  It will vary depending on the family, where it is in its evolution or maturity, etc.  For an example, here's our most recent agenda and a few notes about each segment:

·         Pick 3 words to describe what’s on your mind or most relevant to you and come prepared to share with others why you chose them, what they mean for you.

·         What is our vision or goals for our family over the next 5 years?  This one was done as a brainstorm activity and will be sorted and narrowed further over the coming month.

·         What do we, as a family, value?  This, too was a bit of a brainstorming activity but each of us had done a personal values exercise in recent months so we were able to come up with a list that really spoke to both of us fairly quickly.

·         How will we go after living our vision and collective values?  What steps do we need to take?  Do we want to set any boundaries, etc.?  Given some time constraints in our most recent offsite, this work will be revisited within one month to get to a more concise list of actions.

What do you think could come from your own family offsite?

If you have conducted one before, what was it like, what worked and what didn’t?

What’s on my Mind? Authentic Leadership

If I had one word to describe what I want for myself in 2011, it would be:  authenticity.  That may be shocking to some who may think, wow, aren’t you always authentic or at least, aren’t you supposed to be? Intuitively I know the answer is yes but what I’ve realized is that over the course of many years, some of that edge has slipped away.  For a long time I'd been busy being somebody’s sister, daughter, friend, employer, employee, and wife.  All of these roles can be great and I am proud of the way I have showed up in most of them, at least some of the time.  I also know I often "checked out" from what was really going on for me just to keep things smoother and simpler.  It felt easier that way.  In doing so, I lost touch with what was true for me, what I really wanted and focused a lot of attention on what they wanted or what would cause less need for confrontation.  I viewed “confrontation” as a bad thing that always ends in tears even if the tears are hidden away after the fact.  I spent a lot of time worrying about what others thought of me and trying to fill a need before it was even recognized.  It is a tough job reading everyone’s mind, making assumptions, and jumping in to try and deliver before they even know they want it.

So what does this have to do with authentic leadership?  A lot. I have been practicing getting clear on what I want in relationship to myself and others.  When I realize what I want, how I feel, what is important to me, I state my case or take action. This is confrontation is a sense, but it comes from a place of deep respect for myself and others and thus wanting to be clear, direct, and concise; it isn’t about aggression.  If you remember my blog from a few months ago, I wrote about a technique that any of us can use called the awarensss wheel.  In using it, I note what I have noticed or observed, what I think about that (what judgment I have), how I feel about it, and what I want as a result.  From there, I have a choice to take action or ask for something based on what I want.  It allows me to be a lot more authentic with others because instead of always trying to meet their wants, I am clearer in my goals and desires and expressing them. 

For example, I recently told another leader, “I have some fear about taking on this assignment.  I want to grow, I am willing to try and I want you to know that I may need some further knowledge or help to be successful.”  In the past, I would have either pretended I could do it anyway (and would not have exposed my concerns) or would have tried to find a way to avoid the assignment only to feel later on  like I was missing out.  As a leader, it is okay for me to not be superwoman all the time, or pretend like I always have the answer whenever there is a question. It is not easy to say I don’t know, or I am afraid.  What I have found is that people are very open to my transparency and I end up feeling a lot less stress than when I worked so hard to please and convince others.  I wasn’t being real with me or them. Now, as I pratice this more, it is a relief.

In addition to being more authentic I am staying cleaner in my relationships, too.  What I mean by cleaner is that if something happens and I don’t like it, or don’t want that, I tell the other person on the spot.  If I don’t realize in the moment that I had a clear point of view or idea , I go to the person right away and follow up on it (within 5 minutes of realizing if possible). I find that I brood less and don’t end up replaying in my head what I wish I had actually said.  I have less negative energy when I get clear with myself and others, and also that I am growing my ability to speak my truth.  It’s taken time, guts, and some discomfort to leap in anyway, but I am still standing, I haven’t died, no one has left me, and I feel more authentic in so many of my relationships.

What are some areas in your life where you find it hard to be authentic and say what you really want?

How would things be different for you if you did so?

What success have you had speaking your truth to others?  What hasn’t gone so well when you tried it?

Spring Forward: Embrace Your Personal Style

It’s hard to believe that today is Fat Tuesday and spring is almost here.  I don’t know about you but I am excited to see that flowers will be blooming soon and each day the light lasts just that little bit longer.  All of this has got me thinking about the art of embracing.  Embracing all that has been there but may have been covered up by thick winter clothes.  Embracing ideas of what I should or shouldn’t do, be, eat or even wear.  Here are some of my thoughts on how I plan to spring forward and bring more of my personal style to each and every moment.  I’d love to hear some of yours.

1.       Add more color.  What is my favorite color?  Red!  Why don’t I wear it more often?  Because in the past I didn’t want to draw too much attention to myself.  This season I will wear more red.

2.       Shape.  What are some of my favorite shapes and how can I use them to show more of my authentic self?  I love more flowing skirts and thin, soft drapey sweaters.  I’ve had a tendency over the last 4-5 years to only wear these types of things outside of work.  I think I’ll bring them into my every day more often.

3.       Tell it like it is.  The winter season had me cocooning a bit and getting my new house in order.  It had me dealing with a personal loss and holding a lot inside except in some very safe situations.  As the equinox gets closer, I have committed to telling it like it is even if “it” is bold, daring and scary for me to do so. 

4.       Change one habit.  Earlier this year I wrote about my snacking habit.  I am trying to only eat a savory snack in the afternoon for the month of March instead my usual sweet one.  It’s not a rule, it’s not a punishment; it’s just to try something new.  Let’s see how it goes.

5.       Feel good in it.  Similar to #2, many of the clothes I most enjoy have a flowing cut and fabric and yes, they tend to feel really good to wear.  So, why not feel good in everything I wear and still look pulled together and professional?  Sounds fun.

6.       Get some help.  Okay, this could be an easy one with the right approach or more spendy if I want to hire a personal shopper or consultant.  I’ll start cheap: invite a couple of trusted, opinionated friends over and try on things in my closet with them.  I want a real opinion on whether that pink shirt really works for me or not.  So, my wardrobe gets a once over, I will have a clearer view of what really suits me and the rest can go to a good cause.

7.       Try something different. Never wear scarves?  Try one on for a small burst of color.  Always wait until someone speaks up first?  Go first next time.  Take a Zumba class. Mix it up and see how you and the world respond.

8.       Play with your hair.  I know you probably used to get in trouble for that but why not try pulling it back if you wear it up, or going with the natural wave some days instead of using the flat iron?  I try going with my real wave sometimes and it is fun to hear the responses of many yet day after day I resist doing this unless it’s a non-workday.  I am going to stretch myself to try it more this month.

9.       Lighten up.  Laughter and silliness will get me a long way so I am going to play more Wii, read less serious news, and go for the comics and comedies more this month.

10.   Dance and even sing, whether anyone is looking or not.  And why?  Because it feels good so why not do it?

Here’s your challenge:  pick 1-3 things from the list above and try them out this month.  Just see what happens.

When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Don’t Ask for Help – Or Do They?

This month’s column is a follow-up to my January feature on resolutions and goals.  Last month I said I'd provide some follow-up on my “sugar-free afternoons” experiment and the whole composting thing.  Well, here goes…

In January, I decided I would like to kick my habit of eating a sugary snack in the afternoon.  Having attempted this many times in the past, I wasn’t quite sure how willing I was to make this an actual goal – yet.  So, I decided to try an experiment instead.  The experiment was to notice when I wanted a sugary snack in the afternoon and just to check in with how it felt, what my experience was, etc. whether I had the snack or not.  It was not so much to say I would avoid the snack but also included that I might try that some days, and see what showed up.  While I would love to report a great outcome, this was an experiment like so many others: it ended with mixed results.  Here’s a short chronicle of events (days/details not scientifically tracked).

My Sugar-Free Experiment Log

Day 1-3 Traveled via plane to Chicago to visit my ill father.  Difficult and tense situation, ate sugar all 3 afternoons, including celebratory chocolate with my husband on the flight there.  Not sure what we were celebrating but travel always makes me feel like I’m on vacation.  Go figure. What did I notice? I didn’t really pay much attention.  Hmm…not sure what that means.

Days 3-10 On the 3^rd night of our trip, while still visiting family, I came down with the stomach flu.  Sicker than a dog overnight.  I ended up with a flatter belly, to be sure,  but I don’t recommend it.  I spent the next 5-7 days mostly eating bagels, crackers, and apple juice.  I stayed off the sugar but I had no interest in most food anyway. I guess this doesn't really count as the experiment.

Days 11-18 These days passed by in a blur and were the most interesting, I guess.  After my flu, one of the first things to return was a craving for sweets.  Given that I hadn’t been eating much, I didn’t see any reason not to eat a protein bar or cookie in the afternoon.  There were a couple days where I avoided sugar during my normal 3-5 PM timeslot.  What I noticed was the craving for sugary foods was intensely strong at times and made it hard to concentrate.  I can only imagine what addicted smokers or crack addicts must feel when they don’t get what they crave.  It’s no wonder people commit crimes. 

When I kept focused on the tasks at hand, by around 5:30 PM I was really hungry.  By that point, I ate whatever it was I had – a protein bar, a fun-sized Butterfinger, or the rest of the potato chips.  It wouldn’t have mattered what the food was, I was that hungry.  I also came to realize that given a choice (such as when on vacation or a weekend), I would prefer to take a nap at 3:30.  Given that I work until 6 or later most days, napping is not really an option.  Interesting to note…

Days 19-22 I was really, really frustrated.  I felt a lot of judgment about not even being able to do the experiment. I ate the snack when I wanted it without really giving too much thought to it. I felt like I was failing and also remembered I agreed to share this with all of you.  I thought about saying I’d changed my mind on sharing my experiment with you all. 

Day 23 Unsure of what to do, I realized it was time to ask for help.  Yes, it took me 3 weeks to do so!  I reached out for help from someone who knows me well, who knows about behavior change, and who knew about the experiment.  I told him how I wanted to “manage” my sugar and not quit it for good.  He told me there aren’t many sugar cravers who can really do that.  That was not what I wanted to hear! He said most people have to cut it out entirely or with luck, they might develop such a negative reaction to it that they just won’t eat it.  

His assessment was that I was not really ready to make this change.   I know that might sound like criticism but on some level it was a relief.  And, he was right. I don’t think I was even ready to do an experiment.  Even the experiment felt like some kind of deprivation or rules system. So, what did I decide to do?  Stop the experiment and regroup.

Regrouping

Day 24-28  I stopped the experiment and spent some time writing about what happened during the last month, what I was feeling about it, etc.  Here’s what I realized: 

·         I had set up the experiment as “stop something bad” vs. “embrace something good”

·         I had taken this on against a backdrop of intense personal stress (travel, a move, sick parent)

·         I hadn’t really planned how I might conduct the experiment, just went for it

·         I engaged in a lot of negative judgment for how I conducted the experiment despite not having set any measures of success

Okay, so now what?  I have created some “abundance-oriented” statements and objectives for what I want for myself:

·         I want to be mindful .  I eat foods that support my feeling of well-being, I notice what I really want and satisfy it, I assess whether or I am really hungry and eat accordingly.

·         I eat what makes me feel good.  For me, this means amping up my protein and not having many simple carbs at all right now. Carbs make me crave sweets. I am eating more eggs, other protein, a little more fat and a lot of vegetables.

·         I have a contingency plan.  If I want a sweet snack at 4 PM, I have  a plan for nuts, cottage cheese and a little fruit. Nuts taste a little rich and sweet, so it feels a little decadent.  Overall,  I respond better  than when I eat the cookie.

·         I choose to simplify my life.  I have eaten more or less the same breakfast for a few days in s row now. I buy less and throw less away.  I seek my variety when I dine out. 

·         I ask for help. I will ask my husband to trade the food shopping for the laundry.  He will only buy what’s on the list and get it done in 20 minutes max. If I ask him not to bring home sweets, he will severely limit them.

So far this week, I have been really enjoying how I feel, I am more energetic, and I feel like things are easier, simpler somehow.  I am optimistic and feel more good things coming in, instead of avoidance.  I don’t know where this will go, but it feels fine in this moment and after all, that is really all I have. 

As for the composting thing, I sought help for that , too. A friend said she had some good information on composting and when I asked her later, she couldn’t find it. So, she placed me in the very capable hands of a colleague who knows all about this stuff.  I will pick up my Green Machine composter and supplies this weekend!

I would love to hear stories from others who have struggled with goals or have techniques that have helped you be successful.  Please share comments if you have them!

Tis’ the Season to Do What With Your Resolutions?

It’s almost mid-January and some of us have probably made New Year’s resolutions that we either have or haven’t kept.  Some of you are also probably thinking: I never make resolutions.  If so, please don’t move on just yet.  This month I wanted to write about my own experience with setting goals and get some dialogue going about what works and what doesn’t.  I don’t have some of the answers yet, as some of this work will be experimented with over the course of the next month. I hope you’ll participate with me.

Let’s start with my own resolutions.  This year, for some reason, I actually made one, er, two:

1.       Get the composting thing sorted out (one way or the other, actually do it)

2.       Eat breakfast out more often.

Guess which one has had some traction against it already?  Yes, the breakfast one.  Interesting isn’t it that the one that is seemingly more like a reward has been started and the one that is more like work lingers on, untouched?  I’ve decided that there are several keys to making and effectively achieving goals, a term I like more than the very absolute-sounding resolution. So, here are a few ideas I will be playing with over the coming month and beyond to get clearer and better at both making and achieving personal goals. 

I will be more specific about what I want to create for myself because language matters.  Let’s take something like weight loss for example.  If I say I want to lose 10 pounds, it’s certainly a goal but it really doesn’t tell me much about what will be different for me if I do.  Thus, it’s not very compelling.  If I turn that goal into more well-defined, feeling-oriented statements there’s more to relate to, it’s positive and less deprivation-centered.  What will I create if I achieve this goal? Well, I’d probably feel more energetic, my clothes would feel good against my skin, I may feel more confident with my partner, and my body will feel nourished and truly cared for.  Getting more specific about the feelings establishes a deeper connection to the experience of achieving this goal.

One of the keys to setting yourself up for success is to imagine some of the feelings this new state will help create.  So, your goal may even change from “lose 10 pounds” to something more like:  nourish my body through food and body movement so I will feel more energetic, my clothes will feel more loose and comfy against my skin, I will feel more confident in and out of clothes, and I will know I am nurturing my body and feel truly cared for.  As you work with a goal created likie this, ask yourself daily, hourly or even more often if it’s helpful, what am I doing for myself in this moment to experience these feelings? What can I do to make it so?

Another approach to goals, and this is the one I will be experimenting with this month, is to play with the goal from a sense of curiosity rather than a strict hard and fast set of rules. I have a habit of eating a sugary snack most days between 3-5 PM.  I have tried many different things over the years to stop eating these snacks and most have not been very successful.  None have been successful enough – yet.  So, it’s become a bit of a thing for me.  I have developed an attachment to my inability to succeed in this area.  I have asked myself, how can you be so accomplished in work, and personal life and be so achievement-oriented in so many ways and yet struggle with a chocolate chip cookie?  And yes, I have at times tried the methods, of just accepting it and not beating myself up over it.  I have tried substituting apples, nuts, carrots, crackers and cheese, I could probably name about 50 other things as well. 

Fast forward 20 years and here I am still, or again, wishing to beat this habit.  So, here’s what I am going to try: I am going to treat the next month as an experiment.  What if I don’t have the snack some days, what happens?  What will I feel, what will I notice, whatever?  Some days I may have the snack.  I don’t know.  At this point the idea is to see it as an opportunity to observe and less of a win/lose or succeed/fail proposition.  The goals will not to be to say I was good on a day I don’t have the snack or bad on a day when I do.  So, I really have no idea how this will turn out but I plan to write about it as I go and provide a summary later next month.  If you have any thoughts for me on this approach, I’d love to hear them.

And, in case you are wondering what’s going to happen with the composting?  Well, I realize I can tackle it by figuring out how to turn it into a real positive rather than something that feels like a chore.  If I am able to come up with some positive feelings about having vegetable waste rotting under my kitchen sink, that will be true success. 

What are your experiences with any types of resolutions or goal-setting?  What has worked for you and what hasn’t?  How do you think we can help each other with our goals?