Having what you want in life and being able to express it fully is an incredibly valuable skill. Knowing what you want, or what is true for you, is a critical to claiming your personal power and utilizing it effectively in business, home and personal situations. If the idea of claiming your power excites you, read on. If the idea of claiming your power makes you think of someone who is pushy, self-centered, and “not nice” then definitely read on.
It’s not surprising that the concept of personal power can be associated with mixed feelings. Often we want to feel true to ourselves and authentic, but we fear the impact we may have on others if we tell them how we really feel. Sometimes, and perhaps more often, we aren’t even sure what we want - and this can result in us feeling a bit stuck. If we go on long enough feeling stuck, eventually some event will occur that triggers a lot of emotion. When this happens, we may just lose it and go off on others and then feel embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed.
Recently I had an opportunity to learn about a powerful tool that can help you get clear about what you want in difficult or complex situations and then communicate your wants using clear, concise, and direct language. This tool can be used to confront situations without having to be overly aggressive or angry in order reach a desired outcome. In fact, it can be done quite harmoniously.
The Awareness Wheel
This tool is called the Awareness Wheel. It is normally shown in the shape of a wheel, but in the interest of simplicity and to provide examples, I am listing the steps in their typical order.
Steps for using the Awareness Wheel:
Identify the Issue: What is the issue you are concerned about stated as clearly as possible. For example, I have an issue with the exterminator who has treated my home for ants. We have had many treatments and we still have ants.
My issue is: I hired your firm to rid my kitchen of ants and after 4 months and multiple treatments, the ants are not gone.
Observe/Notice: What are the facts as observed or noticed? This is not about judgment or how you feel about the situation; it’s about facts and what you notice. For my ant example they are:
-I paid $200 for ant treatment.
-I had 3 treatments performed.
-There are ants in my kitchen.
-The contract guaranteed repeat treatments to eliminate ants
-I feel my chest tighten and my throat get hot when I see the ants
Think: What do I think relative to this issue? This is not about facts typically, it is about judgment. What judgments do I have? For the ant example:
-I think ants are annoying
-I think I have spent too much time/ money working on this
-I think this service is untrustworthy
-I think I should have checked their references
Feel: What do I feel relative to this issue? For the ant example:
-I feel annoyed that I didn’t check out the company first
-I feel angry that I have taken time off work multiple times for this
-I feel cheated that despite all this time/money; I still have ants
Want: What do I want for myself? For you? For Us? For my ants example there are multiple layers:
What do I want for me?
-I want to be ant free
-I want to stop having to take time away from other tasks to get ant free
What do I want for you (the person I am speaking to from the ant company)?
-I want you to eliminate the ants
-I want you to tell me if you cannot
-I want you to give it one more treatment and no more
-I want my money back if this treatment does not solve the problem
What do I want for us (for me and the person I am speaking to from the ant company)?
-I want us to be aligned on expectations
-I want us to agree on the approach
Action: What actions am I going to take? For the ant example:
-I will provide you one more opportunity to treat the ants
-I will share results within 3 weeks from treatment
-If the ants are not gone in 3 weeks, I will seek my refund
Once you have completed these steps, ask the receiver to respond, i.e. check for impact. Allow the receiver to speak and reply to what you just said. You may need to go around the wheel again, depending on what they say and repeat some statements or even to start a new awareness wheel process depending on what you hear.
Things to notice:
Notice that the statements used in the example are direct and concise. In order to be most clear, do not use compound phrases. Be direct, concise and clear.
Remember to use facts and observations – things you see hear, smell, touch, feel in your body, etc. for describing what you notice.
If you find yourself struggling with strong emotion in the “feeling” part of the wheel and if so, ask yourself: How old am I? Often, when we are struggling with strong emotion it can be because it triggered something from our early development when something significantly emotional occurred for us. When you ask yourself the question, “how old am I?” you may actually realize, it reminds you of when your brother held you down so I couldn’t get to your Christmas stocking first and you felt powerless. It can be helpful to realize it may be an old emotion. This can often help you understand your emotion in the current situation with more clarity.
Sometimes when working with wants you may come up with what are referred to as shadow wants. A shadow want is something that is somewhat outside a true want but is revealing for you on some level. For example, a shadow want about the ants might be: I want to tell the ant guy he is an incompetent jerk. I may not do it and probably wouldn’t share it with him but it is still a want for me.
Over time, you won’t need to pause and figure out all of these steps – they will become second nature. In the beginning though, take time with it. Try it out, practice, notice the results and try it again.
I encourage you to try this model with some of your more emotional or complex issues and see if it helps you to create clarity for yourself and others. Using the model provides you with a clear and truthful understanding for yourself the first step in effectively communicating with others.
The above model was shared with me in the LifeWorks Seminar at Wings Seminars in Eugene, OR. For more information about their programs, please visit www.wings-seminars.com
For comment, I invite you to respond to the following questions:
1. Why can it be so difficult for us to state our true wants?
2. What are some situations or places where you might try using this model?
3. What are some benefits you may receive from trying this model?
