Think about
the stories you tell yourself and may be living out in your life, or the
stories someone else told you in the past that still have a grip on you
today. Some examples that come to mind
are: I can’t go after a that job (even
though it might really fulfill me) because I don’t have a college degree or he
would never go out with me because I still haven’t lost those last 10 pounds. Why are these stories so powerful and how do
we harness them to make the best possible life?
Stories are
powerful because our brains are hardwired for both story and metaphor. Yes, we humans were born this way. Stories
resonate with us precisely because they:
- Are a primal form of communication and have been for eons
- Speak to us of collaboration and connection (rarely does the hero do it all alone because if nothing else – they save someone or a village!)
- Help us create order and certainty
- Are rooted in how we think and this allows us to make meaning of things
Let’s look
at an example. As a new business owner, I often have to contact people about my
business offering. These people may be
potential clients or referral sources and quite often, I don’t know them well.
So, let’s say I meet with one of these clients, and he says: “I want to talk to
my business partner about what you are proposing to me before making any
decision.” Ok, that sounds reasonable
enough, right? So, then let’s suppose, we agree that if I don’t hear back from
him within one week, I will call him? Ok,
so far so good. And then let’s say a
week goes by and I call him and get his voicemail. I leave a message and ask for a return call
and nothing happens, no return phone call within a few days, etc.
What do I do
when a potential client doesn’t call me back? Well, I could make up a story
about why he didn’t call me back and in the past, I have done so. That story has any number of possible ways it
could go but rarely has the story been positive
or something I would want to share with the world. One version of that story says, they don’t
want to talk to me because….and I’ll spare you the 18 or so grisly variations
on that theme. But stories can have
every kind of way in which they could go, so what if I told a new story or didn’t
make up a story at all?
My new story
might go like this: they didn’t call me
back because they are busy, or they don’t call anyone back, or they are so
excited by the prospect of working with me, they don’t know yet what they want
to start on, or they are not my ideal client so it is GOOD they are not calling
me back. And if I were to go on a story “fast”
and not make up anything it might simply be a statement like this: I don’t know
why they didn’t call me back and I will make a note to try back on the new date
I declared in my message to him. Now sure, eventually, if the person doesn’t
call me back, I will leave a final message along the lines of, “I just wanted
to try you one last time and if you want to reach me, you have my contact info.
Thank you for your time.”
What are
some of the stories you might be making up about how things are or were in the
past? Maybe these stories are about your
kids who don’t finish their homework on time even though they agreed to. Perhaps
they are about your mother and why she says you must not are since you don’t
call her every day. Or how about when your boss cancels your 1:1s frequently? What if instead of making up a story about
being a bad parent, your mom being nosy, and your boss wanting to re-org you,
you did something else instead and checked your assumptions with the person
involved? And if that isn’t possible,
what if you were to release the story completely and say to yourself, I don’t
know why it is this way and until or unless I can gather data or check my
assumptions with the person involved (this does not mean talking about this
with your cubicle neighbor, ok?) I am just going to focus on what I do know.
Our stories
can be rich and intentional and support more of what we want in our lives or
they can point to chaos and doom. Each of us can make that choice as the
principle storyteller in our lives. When I wake up, I ask myself, what am I
creating in my day? This question helps me focus on positive intent, fosters creativity,
and builds gratitude in my life. Our imagination can hold a lot that is amazing
and juicy! You may want to post sticky notes in places you visit often (like
the car, or your work cube and yes, even the bathroom) with the word “STORY”
written on them as a reminder to notice when you might be making up a story or
to encourage you to make up good ones. Be especially aware of what can happen
when you are hungry, tired, or under a lot of stress as these are the times
when the big ugly stories seem to pop up out of nowhere. Under times of duress, it is great to visualize
blowing the negative narrative out the window like someone’s bad cigarette
smoke.
Recognize yourself
for the powerful storyteller you are and know that you have a say in your own
story - a story you can create of hope,
love, courage, and delight! Dr. Wayne
Dyer says, “You don’t get what you want, you get what you are.” I
think this is particularly true when it comes to the stories we tell that
either enrich us or devalue our greatness.
What are
some stories you have lived for years that have held you back or are patently
untrue?
What are some
stories you would write now and for the future to change that paradigm?
How might
you recommend stopping the flow of negative stories in your life?
