Ahhh! Sanctuary – Wherever Your May Find It!

We live in a 24 by 7 world.  We communicate and receive information in our offices, homes, cars, bikes, while commuting, and soon, even in the shower.  While we have more and more devices that help organize, inform, entertain us, and automate everything from the lights and music to the security system and the oven, it seems like our lives should be getting easier.  In fact, they are not.

Stress and depression rate are rising rather than falling.  Work hours continue to grow longer rather than shorter.  All you have to do is jump on a busy freeway or subway at rush hour to realize that people are stressed out, cranky and disengaged from the people and world around them.  What are most of us longing for?  A timeout.

Yes, kind of like the one your parents used to give you as a child for throwing your fire truck at your older brother when he wouldn’t let you play with him and the first graders because he said you were a baby.  But this timeout is different; it’s better and it doesn’t require you to stare at the white kitchen walls and grimy linoleum.  This timeout is about creating a quiet space of simplicity and sanctuary for yourself and others.

It’s about being free from the constant chatter of the iPhone, text messaging, pc, TV, iPod, radio, GPS, integrated surround sound and more.  It’s about calm and hush, a way to regroup and recharge your brain, body, and spirit.  It’s sanctuary space and it’s relatively cheap and easy to create.  The benefits are a clearer head with less mind chatter, reduced stress, more positive endorphins in your system, and a feeling of lightness that radiates to others.  You know that feeling you get after you’ve been away somewhere nice on vacation after about the first 5 days?  Imagine having that more often.  Put your mind and body on pause daily.  All you need is 5 minutes to get started.

Your brain was not meant to run on high all the time.  The best ideas, art, music, work and clarity often come when it seems like you’re not thinking about them, right?  I get my best ideas in the shower.  Why?  Because in a sense it’s down time.  So, I am advocating for downtime at work or at home in a quiet, tranquil space where it can be practiced daily.

At work, imagine setting aside a small room or several that are private, have soft lighting, and comfy chairs that can be used throughout the day for timeout breaks of quiet reflection, meditation, short naps, or even prayer.  Some work places already have these spaces.  Unfortunately, they don’t always seem to get the acceptance they deserve in terms of a culture that fully encourages their use.  Here’s your chance to change that.  If your company has quiet rooms – use them and let it be known!

If a room isn’t possible, how about establishing a small area of your cubicle with some soothing pictures, textiles, or art and encouraging a culture that honors a “Do Not Disturb – Recharge in Progress” sign.  You could even start your weekly team meetings with a couple of minutes of silent reflection to center the team.  This could go a long way towards easing stress, tension, and that go-go-go feeling for everyone.  I challenge you to try it out with your teams!

At home it may be easier to set aside a room, corner of a room, maybe even an area in the yard for soothing timeouts.  Make it warm and inviting, nurturing and calm, use soft lights or candles.  How about creating a tradition in your family of gadget-free evenings or days?  Establish some set times for reading, reflection, good old-fashioned board games, art, or taking a nice, hot bath.  Maybe play charades, have a conversation, or sing and play instruments?  Doesn’t it sound fun and somehow peaceful? In fact, the biggest challenge may just be boundary-setting; telling others that you are giving up TV some nights or won’t be emailing back after 6 PM most nights.  Take the challenge, see what happens!  Where I work, a group of people have already started a meeting revolution, why not start a recharge revolution, too?

My challenge to you?  Try taking 5-15 minutes of timeout, once a day, for the next 7 days and see if you don’t feel calmer, more relaxed, and inspired. If you like it, go for more, maybe 15-30 minutes a day.  Or how about creating a family timeout one evening per week for the next 4 weeks?  Perhaps starting with a nice dinner, as a family you agree to keeping the hours between dinner and bedtime as gadget-free time. I’d love to hear about your experiences in trying this.  And if you need some support, feel free to comment and I’ll respond back. 

Claiming Your Power – Be Clear on What You Want

Having what you want in life and being able to express it fully is an incredibly valuable skill.  Knowing what you want, or what is true for you, is a critical to claiming your personal power and utilizing it effectively in business, home and personal situations.  If the idea of claiming your power excites you, read on.  If the idea of claiming your power makes you think of someone who is pushy, self-centered, and “not nice” then definitely read on. 

It’s not surprising that the concept of personal power can be associated with mixed feelings.  Often we want to feel true to ourselves and authentic, but we fear the impact we may have on others if we tell them how we really feel.  Sometimes, and perhaps more often, we aren’t even sure what we want - and this can result in us feeling a bit stuck.  If we go on long enough feeling stuck, eventually some event will occur that triggers a lot of emotion.  When this happens, we may just lose it and go off on others and then feel embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed.

Recently I had an opportunity to learn about a powerful tool that can help you get clear about what you want in difficult or complex situations and then communicate your wants using clear, concise, and direct language.  This tool can be used to confront situations without having to be overly aggressive or angry in order reach a desired outcome.  In fact, it can be done quite harmoniously. 

The Awareness Wheel

This tool is called the Awareness Wheel.  It is normally shown in the shape of a wheel, but in the interest of simplicity and to provide examples, I am listing the steps in their typical order. 

Steps for using the Awareness Wheel:

Identify the Issue:  What is the issue you are concerned about stated as clearly as possible.  For example, I have an issue with the exterminator who has treated my home for ants.  We have had many treatments and we still have ants. 

My issue is:  I hired your firm to rid my kitchen of ants and after 4 months and multiple treatments, the ants are not gone.

Observe/Notice:  What are the facts as observed or noticed?  This is not about judgment or how you feel about the situation; it’s about facts and what you notice. For my ant example they are:

-I paid $200 for ant treatment.

-I had 3 treatments performed.

-There are ants in my kitchen.

-The contract guaranteed repeat treatments to eliminate ants

-I feel my chest tighten and my throat get hot when I see the ants

Think:  What do I think relative to this issue?  This is not about facts typically, it is about judgment.  What judgments do I have? For the ant example:

-I think ants are annoying

-I think I have spent too much time/ money working on this

-I think this service is untrustworthy

-I think I should have checked their references

 Feel:  What do I feel relative to this issue? For the ant example:

-I feel annoyed that I didn’t check out the company first

-I feel angry that I have taken time off work multiple times for this

-I feel cheated that despite all this time/money; I still have ants

Want: What do I want for myself?  For you? For Us?  For my ants example there are multiple layers:

What do I want for me?

-I want to be ant free

-I want to stop having to take time away from other tasks to get ant free

What do I want for you (the person I am speaking to from the ant company)?

-I want you to eliminate the ants

-I want you to tell me if you cannot

-I want you to give it one more treatment and no more

-I want my money back if this treatment does not solve the problem

What do I want for us (for me and the person I am speaking to from the ant company)?

-I want us to be aligned on expectations

-I want us to agree on the approach

Action:  What actions am I going to take?  For the ant example:

-I will provide you one more opportunity to treat the ants

-I will share results within 3 weeks from treatment 

-If the ants are not gone in 3 weeks, I will seek my refund

Once you have completed these steps, ask the receiver to respond, i.e. check for impact.  Allow the receiver to speak and reply to what you just said.  You may need to go around the wheel again, depending on what they say and repeat some statements or even to start a new awareness wheel process depending on what you hear. 

Things to notice:

Notice that the statements used in the example are direct and concise.  In order to be most clear, do not use compound phrases. Be direct, concise and clear.

Remember to use facts and observations – things you see hear, smell, touch, feel in your body, etc. for describing what you notice.

If you find yourself struggling with strong emotion in the “feeling” part of the wheel and if so, ask yourself:  How old am I?  Often, when we are struggling with strong emotion it can be because it triggered something from our early development when something significantly emotional occurred for us.  When you ask yourself the question, “how old am I?” you may actually realize, it reminds you of when your brother held you down so I couldn’t get to your Christmas stocking first and you felt powerless.  It can be helpful to realize it may be an old emotion.  This can often help you understand your emotion in the current situation with more clarity. 

Sometimes when working with wants you may come up with what are referred to as shadow wants.  A shadow want is something that is somewhat outside a true want but is revealing for you on some level.  For example, a shadow want about the ants might be:  I want to tell the ant guy he is an incompetent jerk.  I may not do it and probably wouldn’t share it with him but it is still a want for me.

Over time, you won’t need to pause and figure out all of these steps – they will become second nature.  In the beginning though, take time with it.  Try it out, practice, notice the results and try it again.

I encourage you to try this model with some of your more emotional or complex issues and see if it helps you to create clarity for yourself and others.  Using the model provides you with a clear and truthful understanding for yourself the first step in effectively communicating with others. 

The above model was shared with me in the LifeWorks Seminar at Wings Seminars in Eugene, OR.  For more information about their programs, please visit www.wings-seminars.com

For comment, I invite you to respond to the following questions:

1.       Why can it be so difficult for us to state our true wants?

2.       What are some situations or places where you might try using this model?

3.       What are some benefits you may receive from trying this model?

Season of Change by Kim LaFever aka Bountiful

As the days get shorter and the leaves start to turn, I found myself thinking a lot about this time of year.  Ok, so actually, I was whining a lot about the summer being over and how much I was struggling to let go.  I only recently realized just how much I have not been looking forward to the increasing darkness, the inevitable rain, or changing the clocks, which tends to wreak havoc on my sleep for at least 2 weeks afterwards.  I found myself in two different conversations recently that have enabled me to see this time ahead from a different lens.  I’d like to share a few findings from my discoveries in the hope they may help you, too.

In many cultures and traditions the fall season is celebrated. For some, it is their favorite time of year.   For others, they dread it and wish to be woken up when white shoes can be worn again. It is the time of harvest and stocking up for the winter ahead.  It is a time when our bodies and minds call out for a few less busy days and a bit more hunker down time and a nice warm bowl of soup.   What’s interesting though is that in our modern world of iPhones and email, citrus in the summer and watermelon in the winter, we have a tendency to lose sight of the seasons.  It’s no wonder our overall system can become a little bit resistant or even confused.

Honoring what our bodies really crave at this time of the year can be vitally important to maintaining a feeling of health, wellness, and emotional balance.  When I was reminded that over the centuries many cultures have adapted to the change of seasons through a change in activity (rest, yum!), joyous celebration, and nourishing foods I actually felt excited about the fall.  What are some things anyone can try to help embrace the season we’re in?

Make time to slow down – even if only a little bit.  Perhaps try a 2-minute deep breathing break between meetings, spend time reading a book instead of watching the latest (possibly lame) new shows, or consider trying out a meditation practice or yoga.  Try eating at a table and not at your desk. Embrace a weekend nap (watch cats – they are particularly skilled at this)!

Begin some early pruning -  Look at your schedule and ask yourself what you want to create for yourself during this moment, this day, or this week? If it is a feeling of lightness, to feel less harried, or similar, ask yourself what your priorities are right now?  What can be dropped even if only for a while.  Maybe one person in your team can attend the meeting and speak for the others, so you all don’t have to,  leaving you more time to attend to a quiet work activity.  For more info on how to make meetings more effective, check out the Meeting Revolution presentation from a recent Women’s Network event.

Eat to support seasonal change – Fall is a great time to nourish yourself with warming vegetable-based soups, squash , and root vegetables and for good measure, I’d definitely include a potato or two in that mix.  Your body is looking for strength in the cooler, damper months ahead.  It’s not only about nutrition but also about how these foods make you feel.  Fall calls for warming, comforting foods that can help ease the transition from summer to winter. They not only nourish your body but make you feel cared for and relaxed at a time when your body seeks it.

Spend some time in reflection – this can be a great time of year to plant some ideas and thoughts for  when the weather warms up again.  What would you like to see blossom in your future? Maybe spend some time with a notebook and pen writing down some ideas. Perhaps go for a quiet walk on your own or with a friend with the intention to speak very little and enjoy the seasonal colors as the leaves begin to change.  See what comes up for you and speaks to you in ways that are less about accomplishment and results and more about creating something you enjoy doing, even if just for you.  Maybe you’ve wanted to learn to play an instrument, or knit.  Perhaps you like to sing and wish you had a few lessons so you don’t need a few beers to get up there when karaoke night comes along. Finding some time regularly in quiet reflection can often help bring some of these joys to the surface.

With the holiday season just around the corner, right now can be a great time to give yourself a little respite to transition from season to season.  Try it out and see what comes up for you.

Questions for reflection:

1. What does the season of fall conjure up for you?
2. Based on the reading above, what might you do for yourself to make it a great season of change?
3. Do you feel change will be fairly easy or difficult for you and if so, why?