Over the Rainbow – A Family Offsite

Many of us in the corporate world experience the occasional “offsite.”  At work, our teams may take timeouts a few times a year and spend 1-3 days focusing on strategy and goals, relatedness, team dynamics, problem or opportunity solving, and usually some fun as well.  Offsites may be held in exotic locales or even onsite or near to the workplace but the one thing they have in common is this: they take the team out of their normal day-to-day activities to focus as individuals as well as a group around common purposes and goals.

While corporate teams are well-versed in the art of the offsite, it wasn’t until this past year that my husband suggested we start taking family offsites.  When he first said it, I said, “You are a genius, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.”  Thus began our commitment to family offsites.  We’ve committed to family offsites at least twice year where we block out the usual activities of making dinner, doing laundry, pet care, and responding to over a 100 emails a day to focus on us,  our family, what we want to create together, what our opportunities are, and the like.  Oh yeah, and we throw in some teambuilding fun for good measure!  Our first offsite was at the Oregon coast last summer over a weekend and our most recent is taking place while we are vacationing on the Big Island in Hawaii but really, they could have been held anywhere. 

Why do a family offsite?  To get clearer on what your family goals are, to improve communication and talk about things that maybe aren’t being talked about but should be, to clarify assumptions, and most importantly make plans for how to achieve more of what you want from your life together as a family.  You can do this over the course of a few hours in a day or break it up over several days.  If you have a larger family or need for more dialogue, don’t rush it and take more time.  Sometimes, it takes more talking to get down to the nuggets of what really matters to an individual or to the group. Consider hiring a facilitator who is a neutral third party if you want to make it even more productive.

What type of agenda should you have?  It will vary depending on the family, where it is in its evolution or maturity, etc.  For an example, here's our most recent agenda and a few notes about each segment:

·         Pick 3 words to describe what’s on your mind or most relevant to you and come prepared to share with others why you chose them, what they mean for you.

·         What is our vision or goals for our family over the next 5 years?  This one was done as a brainstorm activity and will be sorted and narrowed further over the coming month.

·         What do we, as a family, value?  This, too was a bit of a brainstorming activity but each of us had done a personal values exercise in recent months so we were able to come up with a list that really spoke to both of us fairly quickly.

·         How will we go after living our vision and collective values?  What steps do we need to take?  Do we want to set any boundaries, etc.?  Given some time constraints in our most recent offsite, this work will be revisited within one month to get to a more concise list of actions.

What do you think could come from your own family offsite?

If you have conducted one before, what was it like, what worked and what didn’t?

What’s on my Mind? Authentic Leadership

If I had one word to describe what I want for myself in 2011, it would be:  authenticity.  That may be shocking to some who may think, wow, aren’t you always authentic or at least, aren’t you supposed to be? Intuitively I know the answer is yes but what I’ve realized is that over the course of many years, some of that edge has slipped away.  For a long time I'd been busy being somebody’s sister, daughter, friend, employer, employee, and wife.  All of these roles can be great and I am proud of the way I have showed up in most of them, at least some of the time.  I also know I often "checked out" from what was really going on for me just to keep things smoother and simpler.  It felt easier that way.  In doing so, I lost touch with what was true for me, what I really wanted and focused a lot of attention on what they wanted or what would cause less need for confrontation.  I viewed “confrontation” as a bad thing that always ends in tears even if the tears are hidden away after the fact.  I spent a lot of time worrying about what others thought of me and trying to fill a need before it was even recognized.  It is a tough job reading everyone’s mind, making assumptions, and jumping in to try and deliver before they even know they want it.

So what does this have to do with authentic leadership?  A lot. I have been practicing getting clear on what I want in relationship to myself and others.  When I realize what I want, how I feel, what is important to me, I state my case or take action. This is confrontation is a sense, but it comes from a place of deep respect for myself and others and thus wanting to be clear, direct, and concise; it isn’t about aggression.  If you remember my blog from a few months ago, I wrote about a technique that any of us can use called the awarensss wheel.  In using it, I note what I have noticed or observed, what I think about that (what judgment I have), how I feel about it, and what I want as a result.  From there, I have a choice to take action or ask for something based on what I want.  It allows me to be a lot more authentic with others because instead of always trying to meet their wants, I am clearer in my goals and desires and expressing them. 

For example, I recently told another leader, “I have some fear about taking on this assignment.  I want to grow, I am willing to try and I want you to know that I may need some further knowledge or help to be successful.”  In the past, I would have either pretended I could do it anyway (and would not have exposed my concerns) or would have tried to find a way to avoid the assignment only to feel later on  like I was missing out.  As a leader, it is okay for me to not be superwoman all the time, or pretend like I always have the answer whenever there is a question. It is not easy to say I don’t know, or I am afraid.  What I have found is that people are very open to my transparency and I end up feeling a lot less stress than when I worked so hard to please and convince others.  I wasn’t being real with me or them. Now, as I pratice this more, it is a relief.

In addition to being more authentic I am staying cleaner in my relationships, too.  What I mean by cleaner is that if something happens and I don’t like it, or don’t want that, I tell the other person on the spot.  If I don’t realize in the moment that I had a clear point of view or idea , I go to the person right away and follow up on it (within 5 minutes of realizing if possible). I find that I brood less and don’t end up replaying in my head what I wish I had actually said.  I have less negative energy when I get clear with myself and others, and also that I am growing my ability to speak my truth.  It’s taken time, guts, and some discomfort to leap in anyway, but I am still standing, I haven’t died, no one has left me, and I feel more authentic in so many of my relationships.

What are some areas in your life where you find it hard to be authentic and say what you really want?

How would things be different for you if you did so?

What success have you had speaking your truth to others?  What hasn’t gone so well when you tried it?

Spring Forward: Embrace Your Personal Style

It’s hard to believe that today is Fat Tuesday and spring is almost here.  I don’t know about you but I am excited to see that flowers will be blooming soon and each day the light lasts just that little bit longer.  All of this has got me thinking about the art of embracing.  Embracing all that has been there but may have been covered up by thick winter clothes.  Embracing ideas of what I should or shouldn’t do, be, eat or even wear.  Here are some of my thoughts on how I plan to spring forward and bring more of my personal style to each and every moment.  I’d love to hear some of yours.

1.       Add more color.  What is my favorite color?  Red!  Why don’t I wear it more often?  Because in the past I didn’t want to draw too much attention to myself.  This season I will wear more red.

2.       Shape.  What are some of my favorite shapes and how can I use them to show more of my authentic self?  I love more flowing skirts and thin, soft drapey sweaters.  I’ve had a tendency over the last 4-5 years to only wear these types of things outside of work.  I think I’ll bring them into my every day more often.

3.       Tell it like it is.  The winter season had me cocooning a bit and getting my new house in order.  It had me dealing with a personal loss and holding a lot inside except in some very safe situations.  As the equinox gets closer, I have committed to telling it like it is even if “it” is bold, daring and scary for me to do so. 

4.       Change one habit.  Earlier this year I wrote about my snacking habit.  I am trying to only eat a savory snack in the afternoon for the month of March instead my usual sweet one.  It’s not a rule, it’s not a punishment; it’s just to try something new.  Let’s see how it goes.

5.       Feel good in it.  Similar to #2, many of the clothes I most enjoy have a flowing cut and fabric and yes, they tend to feel really good to wear.  So, why not feel good in everything I wear and still look pulled together and professional?  Sounds fun.

6.       Get some help.  Okay, this could be an easy one with the right approach or more spendy if I want to hire a personal shopper or consultant.  I’ll start cheap: invite a couple of trusted, opinionated friends over and try on things in my closet with them.  I want a real opinion on whether that pink shirt really works for me or not.  So, my wardrobe gets a once over, I will have a clearer view of what really suits me and the rest can go to a good cause.

7.       Try something different. Never wear scarves?  Try one on for a small burst of color.  Always wait until someone speaks up first?  Go first next time.  Take a Zumba class. Mix it up and see how you and the world respond.

8.       Play with your hair.  I know you probably used to get in trouble for that but why not try pulling it back if you wear it up, or going with the natural wave some days instead of using the flat iron?  I try going with my real wave sometimes and it is fun to hear the responses of many yet day after day I resist doing this unless it’s a non-workday.  I am going to stretch myself to try it more this month.

9.       Lighten up.  Laughter and silliness will get me a long way so I am going to play more Wii, read less serious news, and go for the comics and comedies more this month.

10.   Dance and even sing, whether anyone is looking or not.  And why?  Because it feels good so why not do it?

Here’s your challenge:  pick 1-3 things from the list above and try them out this month.  Just see what happens.

When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Don’t Ask for Help – Or Do They?

This month’s column is a follow-up to my January feature on resolutions and goals.  Last month I said I'd provide some follow-up on my “sugar-free afternoons” experiment and the whole composting thing.  Well, here goes…

In January, I decided I would like to kick my habit of eating a sugary snack in the afternoon.  Having attempted this many times in the past, I wasn’t quite sure how willing I was to make this an actual goal – yet.  So, I decided to try an experiment instead.  The experiment was to notice when I wanted a sugary snack in the afternoon and just to check in with how it felt, what my experience was, etc. whether I had the snack or not.  It was not so much to say I would avoid the snack but also included that I might try that some days, and see what showed up.  While I would love to report a great outcome, this was an experiment like so many others: it ended with mixed results.  Here’s a short chronicle of events (days/details not scientifically tracked).

My Sugar-Free Experiment Log

Day 1-3 Traveled via plane to Chicago to visit my ill father.  Difficult and tense situation, ate sugar all 3 afternoons, including celebratory chocolate with my husband on the flight there.  Not sure what we were celebrating but travel always makes me feel like I’m on vacation.  Go figure. What did I notice? I didn’t really pay much attention.  Hmm…not sure what that means.

Days 3-10 On the 3^rd night of our trip, while still visiting family, I came down with the stomach flu.  Sicker than a dog overnight.  I ended up with a flatter belly, to be sure,  but I don’t recommend it.  I spent the next 5-7 days mostly eating bagels, crackers, and apple juice.  I stayed off the sugar but I had no interest in most food anyway. I guess this doesn't really count as the experiment.

Days 11-18 These days passed by in a blur and were the most interesting, I guess.  After my flu, one of the first things to return was a craving for sweets.  Given that I hadn’t been eating much, I didn’t see any reason not to eat a protein bar or cookie in the afternoon.  There were a couple days where I avoided sugar during my normal 3-5 PM timeslot.  What I noticed was the craving for sugary foods was intensely strong at times and made it hard to concentrate.  I can only imagine what addicted smokers or crack addicts must feel when they don’t get what they crave.  It’s no wonder people commit crimes. 

When I kept focused on the tasks at hand, by around 5:30 PM I was really hungry.  By that point, I ate whatever it was I had – a protein bar, a fun-sized Butterfinger, or the rest of the potato chips.  It wouldn’t have mattered what the food was, I was that hungry.  I also came to realize that given a choice (such as when on vacation or a weekend), I would prefer to take a nap at 3:30.  Given that I work until 6 or later most days, napping is not really an option.  Interesting to note…

Days 19-22 I was really, really frustrated.  I felt a lot of judgment about not even being able to do the experiment. I ate the snack when I wanted it without really giving too much thought to it. I felt like I was failing and also remembered I agreed to share this with all of you.  I thought about saying I’d changed my mind on sharing my experiment with you all. 

Day 23 Unsure of what to do, I realized it was time to ask for help.  Yes, it took me 3 weeks to do so!  I reached out for help from someone who knows me well, who knows about behavior change, and who knew about the experiment.  I told him how I wanted to “manage” my sugar and not quit it for good.  He told me there aren’t many sugar cravers who can really do that.  That was not what I wanted to hear! He said most people have to cut it out entirely or with luck, they might develop such a negative reaction to it that they just won’t eat it.  

His assessment was that I was not really ready to make this change.   I know that might sound like criticism but on some level it was a relief.  And, he was right. I don’t think I was even ready to do an experiment.  Even the experiment felt like some kind of deprivation or rules system. So, what did I decide to do?  Stop the experiment and regroup.

Regrouping

Day 24-28  I stopped the experiment and spent some time writing about what happened during the last month, what I was feeling about it, etc.  Here’s what I realized: 

·         I had set up the experiment as “stop something bad” vs. “embrace something good”

·         I had taken this on against a backdrop of intense personal stress (travel, a move, sick parent)

·         I hadn’t really planned how I might conduct the experiment, just went for it

·         I engaged in a lot of negative judgment for how I conducted the experiment despite not having set any measures of success

Okay, so now what?  I have created some “abundance-oriented” statements and objectives for what I want for myself:

·         I want to be mindful .  I eat foods that support my feeling of well-being, I notice what I really want and satisfy it, I assess whether or I am really hungry and eat accordingly.

·         I eat what makes me feel good.  For me, this means amping up my protein and not having many simple carbs at all right now. Carbs make me crave sweets. I am eating more eggs, other protein, a little more fat and a lot of vegetables.

·         I have a contingency plan.  If I want a sweet snack at 4 PM, I have  a plan for nuts, cottage cheese and a little fruit. Nuts taste a little rich and sweet, so it feels a little decadent.  Overall,  I respond better  than when I eat the cookie.

·         I choose to simplify my life.  I have eaten more or less the same breakfast for a few days in s row now. I buy less and throw less away.  I seek my variety when I dine out. 

·         I ask for help. I will ask my husband to trade the food shopping for the laundry.  He will only buy what’s on the list and get it done in 20 minutes max. If I ask him not to bring home sweets, he will severely limit them.

So far this week, I have been really enjoying how I feel, I am more energetic, and I feel like things are easier, simpler somehow.  I am optimistic and feel more good things coming in, instead of avoidance.  I don’t know where this will go, but it feels fine in this moment and after all, that is really all I have. 

As for the composting thing, I sought help for that , too. A friend said she had some good information on composting and when I asked her later, she couldn’t find it. So, she placed me in the very capable hands of a colleague who knows all about this stuff.  I will pick up my Green Machine composter and supplies this weekend!

I would love to hear stories from others who have struggled with goals or have techniques that have helped you be successful.  Please share comments if you have them!

Tis’ the Season to Do What With Your Resolutions?

It’s almost mid-January and some of us have probably made New Year’s resolutions that we either have or haven’t kept.  Some of you are also probably thinking: I never make resolutions.  If so, please don’t move on just yet.  This month I wanted to write about my own experience with setting goals and get some dialogue going about what works and what doesn’t.  I don’t have some of the answers yet, as some of this work will be experimented with over the course of the next month. I hope you’ll participate with me.

Let’s start with my own resolutions.  This year, for some reason, I actually made one, er, two:

1.       Get the composting thing sorted out (one way or the other, actually do it)

2.       Eat breakfast out more often.

Guess which one has had some traction against it already?  Yes, the breakfast one.  Interesting isn’t it that the one that is seemingly more like a reward has been started and the one that is more like work lingers on, untouched?  I’ve decided that there are several keys to making and effectively achieving goals, a term I like more than the very absolute-sounding resolution. So, here are a few ideas I will be playing with over the coming month and beyond to get clearer and better at both making and achieving personal goals. 

I will be more specific about what I want to create for myself because language matters.  Let’s take something like weight loss for example.  If I say I want to lose 10 pounds, it’s certainly a goal but it really doesn’t tell me much about what will be different for me if I do.  Thus, it’s not very compelling.  If I turn that goal into more well-defined, feeling-oriented statements there’s more to relate to, it’s positive and less deprivation-centered.  What will I create if I achieve this goal? Well, I’d probably feel more energetic, my clothes would feel good against my skin, I may feel more confident with my partner, and my body will feel nourished and truly cared for.  Getting more specific about the feelings establishes a deeper connection to the experience of achieving this goal.

One of the keys to setting yourself up for success is to imagine some of the feelings this new state will help create.  So, your goal may even change from “lose 10 pounds” to something more like:  nourish my body through food and body movement so I will feel more energetic, my clothes will feel more loose and comfy against my skin, I will feel more confident in and out of clothes, and I will know I am nurturing my body and feel truly cared for.  As you work with a goal created likie this, ask yourself daily, hourly or even more often if it’s helpful, what am I doing for myself in this moment to experience these feelings? What can I do to make it so?

Another approach to goals, and this is the one I will be experimenting with this month, is to play with the goal from a sense of curiosity rather than a strict hard and fast set of rules. I have a habit of eating a sugary snack most days between 3-5 PM.  I have tried many different things over the years to stop eating these snacks and most have not been very successful.  None have been successful enough – yet.  So, it’s become a bit of a thing for me.  I have developed an attachment to my inability to succeed in this area.  I have asked myself, how can you be so accomplished in work, and personal life and be so achievement-oriented in so many ways and yet struggle with a chocolate chip cookie?  And yes, I have at times tried the methods, of just accepting it and not beating myself up over it.  I have tried substituting apples, nuts, carrots, crackers and cheese, I could probably name about 50 other things as well. 

Fast forward 20 years and here I am still, or again, wishing to beat this habit.  So, here’s what I am going to try: I am going to treat the next month as an experiment.  What if I don’t have the snack some days, what happens?  What will I feel, what will I notice, whatever?  Some days I may have the snack.  I don’t know.  At this point the idea is to see it as an opportunity to observe and less of a win/lose or succeed/fail proposition.  The goals will not to be to say I was good on a day I don’t have the snack or bad on a day when I do.  So, I really have no idea how this will turn out but I plan to write about it as I go and provide a summary later next month.  If you have any thoughts for me on this approach, I’d love to hear them.

And, in case you are wondering what’s going to happen with the composting?  Well, I realize I can tackle it by figuring out how to turn it into a real positive rather than something that feels like a chore.  If I am able to come up with some positive feelings about having vegetable waste rotting under my kitchen sink, that will be true success. 

What are your experiences with any types of resolutions or goal-setting?  What has worked for you and what hasn’t?  How do you think we can help each other with our goals? 

Ahhh! Sanctuary – Wherever Your May Find It!

We live in a 24 by 7 world.  We communicate and receive information in our offices, homes, cars, bikes, while commuting, and soon, even in the shower.  While we have more and more devices that help organize, inform, entertain us, and automate everything from the lights and music to the security system and the oven, it seems like our lives should be getting easier.  In fact, they are not.

Stress and depression rate are rising rather than falling.  Work hours continue to grow longer rather than shorter.  All you have to do is jump on a busy freeway or subway at rush hour to realize that people are stressed out, cranky and disengaged from the people and world around them.  What are most of us longing for?  A timeout.

Yes, kind of like the one your parents used to give you as a child for throwing your fire truck at your older brother when he wouldn’t let you play with him and the first graders because he said you were a baby.  But this timeout is different; it’s better and it doesn’t require you to stare at the white kitchen walls and grimy linoleum.  This timeout is about creating a quiet space of simplicity and sanctuary for yourself and others.

It’s about being free from the constant chatter of the iPhone, text messaging, pc, TV, iPod, radio, GPS, integrated surround sound and more.  It’s about calm and hush, a way to regroup and recharge your brain, body, and spirit.  It’s sanctuary space and it’s relatively cheap and easy to create.  The benefits are a clearer head with less mind chatter, reduced stress, more positive endorphins in your system, and a feeling of lightness that radiates to others.  You know that feeling you get after you’ve been away somewhere nice on vacation after about the first 5 days?  Imagine having that more often.  Put your mind and body on pause daily.  All you need is 5 minutes to get started.

Your brain was not meant to run on high all the time.  The best ideas, art, music, work and clarity often come when it seems like you’re not thinking about them, right?  I get my best ideas in the shower.  Why?  Because in a sense it’s down time.  So, I am advocating for downtime at work or at home in a quiet, tranquil space where it can be practiced daily.

At work, imagine setting aside a small room or several that are private, have soft lighting, and comfy chairs that can be used throughout the day for timeout breaks of quiet reflection, meditation, short naps, or even prayer.  Some work places already have these spaces.  Unfortunately, they don’t always seem to get the acceptance they deserve in terms of a culture that fully encourages their use.  Here’s your chance to change that.  If your company has quiet rooms – use them and let it be known!

If a room isn’t possible, how about establishing a small area of your cubicle with some soothing pictures, textiles, or art and encouraging a culture that honors a “Do Not Disturb – Recharge in Progress” sign.  You could even start your weekly team meetings with a couple of minutes of silent reflection to center the team.  This could go a long way towards easing stress, tension, and that go-go-go feeling for everyone.  I challenge you to try it out with your teams!

At home it may be easier to set aside a room, corner of a room, maybe even an area in the yard for soothing timeouts.  Make it warm and inviting, nurturing and calm, use soft lights or candles.  How about creating a tradition in your family of gadget-free evenings or days?  Establish some set times for reading, reflection, good old-fashioned board games, art, or taking a nice, hot bath.  Maybe play charades, have a conversation, or sing and play instruments?  Doesn’t it sound fun and somehow peaceful? In fact, the biggest challenge may just be boundary-setting; telling others that you are giving up TV some nights or won’t be emailing back after 6 PM most nights.  Take the challenge, see what happens!  Where I work, a group of people have already started a meeting revolution, why not start a recharge revolution, too?

My challenge to you?  Try taking 5-15 minutes of timeout, once a day, for the next 7 days and see if you don’t feel calmer, more relaxed, and inspired. If you like it, go for more, maybe 15-30 minutes a day.  Or how about creating a family timeout one evening per week for the next 4 weeks?  Perhaps starting with a nice dinner, as a family you agree to keeping the hours between dinner and bedtime as gadget-free time. I’d love to hear about your experiences in trying this.  And if you need some support, feel free to comment and I’ll respond back. 

Claiming Your Power – Be Clear on What You Want

Having what you want in life and being able to express it fully is an incredibly valuable skill.  Knowing what you want, or what is true for you, is a critical to claiming your personal power and utilizing it effectively in business, home and personal situations.  If the idea of claiming your power excites you, read on.  If the idea of claiming your power makes you think of someone who is pushy, self-centered, and “not nice” then definitely read on. 

It’s not surprising that the concept of personal power can be associated with mixed feelings.  Often we want to feel true to ourselves and authentic, but we fear the impact we may have on others if we tell them how we really feel.  Sometimes, and perhaps more often, we aren’t even sure what we want - and this can result in us feeling a bit stuck.  If we go on long enough feeling stuck, eventually some event will occur that triggers a lot of emotion.  When this happens, we may just lose it and go off on others and then feel embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed.

Recently I had an opportunity to learn about a powerful tool that can help you get clear about what you want in difficult or complex situations and then communicate your wants using clear, concise, and direct language.  This tool can be used to confront situations without having to be overly aggressive or angry in order reach a desired outcome.  In fact, it can be done quite harmoniously. 

The Awareness Wheel

This tool is called the Awareness Wheel.  It is normally shown in the shape of a wheel, but in the interest of simplicity and to provide examples, I am listing the steps in their typical order. 

Steps for using the Awareness Wheel:

Identify the Issue:  What is the issue you are concerned about stated as clearly as possible.  For example, I have an issue with the exterminator who has treated my home for ants.  We have had many treatments and we still have ants. 

My issue is:  I hired your firm to rid my kitchen of ants and after 4 months and multiple treatments, the ants are not gone.

Observe/Notice:  What are the facts as observed or noticed?  This is not about judgment or how you feel about the situation; it’s about facts and what you notice. For my ant example they are:

-I paid $200 for ant treatment.

-I had 3 treatments performed.

-There are ants in my kitchen.

-The contract guaranteed repeat treatments to eliminate ants

-I feel my chest tighten and my throat get hot when I see the ants

Think:  What do I think relative to this issue?  This is not about facts typically, it is about judgment.  What judgments do I have? For the ant example:

-I think ants are annoying

-I think I have spent too much time/ money working on this

-I think this service is untrustworthy

-I think I should have checked their references

 Feel:  What do I feel relative to this issue? For the ant example:

-I feel annoyed that I didn’t check out the company first

-I feel angry that I have taken time off work multiple times for this

-I feel cheated that despite all this time/money; I still have ants

Want: What do I want for myself?  For you? For Us?  For my ants example there are multiple layers:

What do I want for me?

-I want to be ant free

-I want to stop having to take time away from other tasks to get ant free

What do I want for you (the person I am speaking to from the ant company)?

-I want you to eliminate the ants

-I want you to tell me if you cannot

-I want you to give it one more treatment and no more

-I want my money back if this treatment does not solve the problem

What do I want for us (for me and the person I am speaking to from the ant company)?

-I want us to be aligned on expectations

-I want us to agree on the approach

Action:  What actions am I going to take?  For the ant example:

-I will provide you one more opportunity to treat the ants

-I will share results within 3 weeks from treatment 

-If the ants are not gone in 3 weeks, I will seek my refund

Once you have completed these steps, ask the receiver to respond, i.e. check for impact.  Allow the receiver to speak and reply to what you just said.  You may need to go around the wheel again, depending on what they say and repeat some statements or even to start a new awareness wheel process depending on what you hear. 

Things to notice:

Notice that the statements used in the example are direct and concise.  In order to be most clear, do not use compound phrases. Be direct, concise and clear.

Remember to use facts and observations – things you see hear, smell, touch, feel in your body, etc. for describing what you notice.

If you find yourself struggling with strong emotion in the “feeling” part of the wheel and if so, ask yourself:  How old am I?  Often, when we are struggling with strong emotion it can be because it triggered something from our early development when something significantly emotional occurred for us.  When you ask yourself the question, “how old am I?” you may actually realize, it reminds you of when your brother held you down so I couldn’t get to your Christmas stocking first and you felt powerless.  It can be helpful to realize it may be an old emotion.  This can often help you understand your emotion in the current situation with more clarity. 

Sometimes when working with wants you may come up with what are referred to as shadow wants.  A shadow want is something that is somewhat outside a true want but is revealing for you on some level.  For example, a shadow want about the ants might be:  I want to tell the ant guy he is an incompetent jerk.  I may not do it and probably wouldn’t share it with him but it is still a want for me.

Over time, you won’t need to pause and figure out all of these steps – they will become second nature.  In the beginning though, take time with it.  Try it out, practice, notice the results and try it again.

I encourage you to try this model with some of your more emotional or complex issues and see if it helps you to create clarity for yourself and others.  Using the model provides you with a clear and truthful understanding for yourself the first step in effectively communicating with others. 

The above model was shared with me in the LifeWorks Seminar at Wings Seminars in Eugene, OR.  For more information about their programs, please visit www.wings-seminars.com

For comment, I invite you to respond to the following questions:

1.       Why can it be so difficult for us to state our true wants?

2.       What are some situations or places where you might try using this model?

3.       What are some benefits you may receive from trying this model?